Monday, July 07, 2003
The 'Unprepared for a Test' Dream
Last night I had the fabled Unprepared for a Test dream. It was a history exam. I hadn’t done the reading. Essay questions. I can’t bullshit that much! I have to KNOW what I’m saying! I’m going to do badly, maybe a D if I’m lucky. What will this do to my final grade?!
I’m not even in school.
I want to go to graduate school. There is only one program in the whole world that I want to do. It’s M.Sc. in Multimedia Systems at Trinity University in Dublin, Ireland.
A girl can dream. And this girl does. I’ve known about this program for years now. It’s like that one person with the light about them, you keep glancing. They are intriguing, you can’t forget.
I imagine our life together, one year. Life without seems pale and somehow disappointing in a most unfair way.
Circumstances keep you/us apart: I fear change (1999-2002). I am lulled by comfort (2003). I cave to a boyfriend (now ex-husband) who says I’m selfish for wanting to go (1999). I don’t want to quit my job (2000-2003).
I am ready to sacrifice my life as I know it. The scariest part—what kind of happiness will I have if I don’t get accepted?
I have to apply for one of the 30 slots for Fall 2004 if only to have honestly tried. I love my boyfriend/job/life-as-it-is (2003). I will be 30 when I finish this program. What if I lost the one who might be The One in the process? Where will my life turn? Will I be lonely?
The most critical things I have learned (1999-present) are
1. It is not selfish to have dreams and seek to make them solid. Others usually call you selfish only when you aren’t giving in to their own whims.
2. Regret sucks. Happiness requires attention, action and responsibility.
3. Love usually surprises, for the better.
4. 30 - bah!
I am going to apply. Rather, I am applying. I will do what I must to be able to say, “I have applied.”
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