Tuesday, December 16, 2003
The Bandaid Is Finally Off
Well Hello there,
I’m sitting in my bed with my computer in my lap, rather than my (old) cube. The elephant still hangs there. I’m so glad that today is here, because yesterday was really pretty hard.
There was a lot to make me feel good, happy, loved. Zain and Maureen gave me longstem pink roses, Jeremy gave me a cd, Otto had all of NGkids sign a card together with a Borders gift certificate. He couldn’t deliver it himself and I’m grateful because all day we emailed normally. “here’s your meta data… ok, try this .swf” same as usual. Everyone had looks and hugs and words to give.
In the cafeteria, Quasi, my west african elder friend, bought me my sandwich. Little things. All day long. And then there were the big things.
My VP Scott had to take my id badge from me. I had to take a form from HR, which I’d had to take to 4 different offices to confirm I didn’t have company credit cards, books, etc. So when I found him near my cube, I told him what he had to do. He said, “come find me when you’re ready.” Eventually I walked to his office with this form in my hand where he played with his pen for a while. This is papa bear, this is clan leader.... if I were to call up images of what he’s like. He was one of the makers of the original Atari games and one of the biggest supporters helping with my resume. He wrote on it in pencil, “you are one of the most naturally enthusiastic and optimistic persons i’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. you need to find a way to reflect that here.” and I’ve carried it in my backpack for the past 3 months.
Scott’s eyes welled up when I unclipped my badge from my belt and slid it over to him. I couldn’t speak or I’d completely break down. He signed where he was supposed to. And then I signed where I was supposed to. I felt my legs walking me backwards out of his office but my hand gripped the doorjam while I looked at him, I wanted to say so many things. He rose to follow me and I stopped. I smiled blind with tears and Scott spoke through his clenched teeth, “Sometimes I really hate my job”. His eyes were full and red. I felt my breathe finally release and I ran the two doors down to Linda’s dark empty office and pulled the door closed behind me. I cried with my hands over my face until I was just gazing out her window at the 17th street building and the courtyard. Even without her in it, Linda’s office is the calm in the storm. She never locks it. I love Linda. Thank God she is not here today.
I was incredibly raw and rough by the time people were clammering to go to our happy hour. Dawn was desperate to get out of the building but I couldn’t leave without meticulously sifting through my files and deleting the last of the personal ones. I had more in my cube to take apart. I sat and looked at the elephant and realized how long ago it was I made her. Everyone wants her to stay, so she’ll stay.
The whole thing was like a slow bandaid, hair by hair, wincing with each person who told me they were sad, that it sucked, that they wanted to come to nyc with me. Scott and I cried again when we hugged goodbye. Shit, I just noticed I got tears on my laptop. I think that’s what I just smelled, the salt burning a little. ugh this is so silly. with what do you clean an aluminum laptop?
Well last night was good, very nice. We had fun like always. It’s good in a way that Dawn and I have each other going through the same thing because of being able to share it. We know we’re ok, we’re great. The hard part is just the people. I don’t think ever in history people moved and left each other so much as we do now in this age. And it just doesn’t feel natural or right to me. I’m so tired of losing my family and not being able to do a thing about it.
I’m so excited for NYC. I just want to get there. I am geared up for this new thing I worked for and won. It’s going to be great. The one thing I know for sure, from the other friends who’ve left and stayed dear friends, is that life after the society is marvelous.
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