Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Suck it, Sinner!
I could talk about the Apocalypse until the end of time. Today’s Wired stories, like signs, or horsemen, or actual blog posts bearing hilarious portents of the end times, have me all *!*squee!*!
What Is the Ultimate Apocalypsemobile? An important question for those hell-bent on mobility when the shit goes down. (Ya betta be ready.) More on the Honda CRX soon, but first I need to have some fun with YouveBeenLeftBehind.com.
YouveBeenLeftBehind.com lets you send post-Rapture emails to the sinners in your life that got left behind when you were taken up (bodily) to Heaven. Here’s another article on ABC’s website. Both articles explain that one of the functions of the email is to (you know, just to be helpful) provide all your bank and asset data, and hold all your important documents, for those left behind so your worldly possessions can be accessed when you’re gone, but can’t be proven dead because your body is missing. They’re so logical and naive in their magical rationale. Ever play Magic the Gathering with a four year old? Anyhoo
This website seems to do all the work of a cult, without the messy cleanup or need to house and speak to the sheep in your flock, right up until the ritual mass suicide. Diagonally?! Pretty sneaky sis.
I love the potential for evil, in messing with the five people responsible for logging in. The system is designed to assume there is an apocalypse if five of the seven (7 of 9? the final five?!) people don’t log in for six days in a row, which could only mean that they had been taken up by the Rapture.
Knowing this, a few agents of darkness (email me at mia at this domain dot com to sign up!!!) working in tandem, could trigger a false apocalypse through shenanigans (shenanigans!!!) distracting, or detaining the secret logger-inners purportedly such good Christians that they know they’ll be taken up in Rapture. How ‘bout the rapture of a vegas stripper for a few days distraction? Ho ho ho! Or perhaps an old lady with car trouble who looks like your aunt Doris? muahahha buuahahahah! Foolish mortals. If they commit a mortal sin do they have to give up their post? Clearly they’re on the honor system.
What if they want to log in but can’t get their iphones activated?
This is serious though, people. It is entirely possible that I will receive one of these emails if el Rapturo Grande goes down. One day… after a week of not getting aggressively Christian chain email forwards or emails comparing Iraq to the legitimacy of WWII.... I’d get an “I Told You So” email informing me how serious it is that I am an unrepentant sinner. What would an email replying to that email sound like?
LOL that’s me! They don’t call me Miss Demeanor for nuthin! Anyhoo
After the initial brimstone and raining ash, the sky really cleared up. I haven’t used my inhaler in ages and bees came back. Not long after you guys disappeared, we noticed pollution in some parts of the country started clearing on its own. Fewer people, less traffic, I guess. So our rigorous efforts to work on the environment got a helpful jump start, thanks for that! Turns out the resistance to saving the environment was all related to people dismissing our one and only planet as place that wouldn’t be inherited by future generations (because of all that apocalypse jazz, ironic eh? Totally why people were buying SUVs and stuff too). We had the zany idea to use scientists instead of politicians to make and enforce an environmental plan, and since people stopped arguing with them, they only argue among themselves about how to do things better… so things keep getting better. Big nerds, but effective!
Wars totally did end (so you were right about something!). People just stopped throwing stones, since everyone here is officially a sinner. Well, the old sinners still like playing bocce ball, but there isn’t much fun in fighting over ideology and religion after the Rapture. Abortions are down, my friend with MS was cured, my friend with AIDS was cured, and thanks to new education and programs, everyone’s living in sin way healthier and longer. We found tons of money in the budget for schooling and higher education, also for caring for dirty old men, old witches and naughty children.
Now I can afford to live in Sin City and have the babies I’ve always wanted, so be sure to curse the little hellions from above when you see their multiple heads emerge from my originally sinful nether regions!
Lotsa love left!
~ Mia Miss Demeanor (sinning since 1975)
What would yours say? Or are you the smug & saved?
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