Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Question
I’ve been so busy lately there’s a lot I haven’t given myself time to think about. Being very caught up in work, job hunting, fixating on the future, I’ve forgotten what now was supposed to be like.
This is the part where I planned to go out less, study more, do some personal projects, the most important being some serious introspection. I spilled my guts about getting laid off but never said a word when, a week later, I broke off a two year relationship. I never talked about how hard it was, how I felt I had to, how I felt sorry for it all but, it was for myself. Didn’t mention that if I didn’t we’d eventually get engaged, have kids, etc. Once upon a time, I wanted to have four kids with him.
I’ve become so good at relationships they tend to work even when they probably shouldn’t. I had become a serial monogomist. And that was a reaction against the way I once was like. I would ‘love’ you, but I wouldn’t care, or more likely, couldn’t. And god help you if i did think i loved you. I think i’ve believed i’ve been in love a million times, and after each time, realized I was clearly wrong. So what makes me think so? I didn’t have to be a psyc major for most of college (and abandon it) to understand where all that came from. I’m text book. It sucks to be text book. And I never really had it that bad.
So, though I’m not doing a superb job of it, my goal is to be on my own for a while. A good while. And no better time than during a probable move of cities, jobs, and very hopefully, perspective.
I am not naive enough to believe that a change of venue means anything but a change of address. What matters is that which you (i) change inside. This weekend I was with a close person who’s back in therapy and I think it really helps them. Without going into details I will say that they said they were asked something by their therapist that no one had ever asked them.
It seemed like an obvious enough question, I have thought it. But I never posed it to them. I thought I knew the answer. I was wrong. I felt terrible, that I had let this person down. Why couldn’t I be the one to ask it?
I have never really gone to therapy. I mean, I went when I was a tiny kid - maybe 6 - when my parents were getting a divorce. I didn’t know what I felt. I never spoke to people, I was too shy. It was only years later that feeling of grief and confusion slipped out. An obession with knowing what the future holds that stemmed from a series of upheavals. That’s part of why getting laid off hit me so hard. And ending a relationship. I have no idea what my life is going to be, in even one month from now. Part of the way I deal with that discomfort is to put myself in that situation, when things get ‘comfortable’. The same pattern you could lay over almost every motive and response inside me.
I went to therapy again - couples therapy.... divorce therapy - i already knew i was leaving. I only wanted him to understand why, and to describe it in the safe presence of a witness. I am not sure he did. The good part is that he stayed in therapy, where someone could ask him all the questions I never thought of.
I was strongly encouraged by many to go to therapy after my divorce - over three years ago. I never went. I have seen how it’s helped people and still, I’ve never gone. I am seeking peace, to heal wounds, to learn without hurting people in the process. I hide so much, seek to control myself so much that it always comes as a big shock when I snap, when I’ve had enough.
I don’t know what question I need to be asked, but there’s got to be one that I probably won’t be able to form on my own. I really don’t know crap. I’m just trying. Like everyone is. And I see the terrible and silly irony of putting this all into a blog. Some friends or family who know I have this are appalled. But usually, no offense, I don’t tell you anything. Other bloggers know this already. And perhaps that’s just another bit of self defense. But it’s also my feeling that it’s incredibly pathetic to read someone lamenting “oh me oh poor me”, what the fuck ever. Everyone has issues. I keep this blog to make myself write every day. and it’s just noise. i know. hopefully one day I’ll write something that’s not just noise.
but for now, this song is a really good projection of what would come out if I had the right words. yes there are no words in this song, but it says a lot.
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