The 'Unprepared for a Test' Dream
Last night I had the fabled Unprepared for a Test dream. It was a history exam. I hadn’t done the reading. Essay questions. I can’t bullshit that much! I have to KNOW what I’m saying! I’m going to do badly, maybe a D if I’m lucky. What will this do to my final grade?!
I’m not even in school.
I want to go to graduate school. There is only one program in the whole world that I want to do. It’s M.Sc. in Multimedia Systems at Trinity University in Dublin, Ireland.
A girl can dream. And this girl does. I’ve known about this program for years now. It’s like that one person with the light about them, you keep glancing. They are intriguing, you can’t forget.
I imagine our life together, one year. Life without seems pale and somehow disappointing in a most unfair way.
Circumstances keep you/us apart: I fear change (1999-2002). I am lulled by comfort (2003). I cave to a boyfriend (now ex-husband) who says I’m selfish for wanting to go (1999). I don’t want to quit my job (2000-2003).
I am ready to sacrifice my life as I know it. The scariest part—what kind of happiness will I have if I don’t get accepted?
I have to apply for one of the 30 slots for Fall 2004 if only to have honestly tried. I love my boyfriend/job/life-as-it-is (2003). I will be 30 when I finish this program. What if I lost the one who might be The One in the process? Where will my life turn? Will I be lonely?
The most critical things I have learned (1999-present) are
1. It is not selfish to have dreams and seek to make them solid. Others usually call you selfish only when you aren’t giving in to their own whims.
2. Regret sucks. Happiness requires attention, action and responsibility.
3. Love usually surprises, for the better.
4. 30 - bah!
I am going to apply. Rather, I am applying. I will do what I must to be able to say, “I have applied.”
I can’t wait to be 30. 21 (or 22 in a week. yay) is good, but everyone thinks I’m 16. Hopefully when I’m 30 people will mistake me for 24. And life seems to get better and better as you get older. Every year since I was about 14 has been better than the last one. So 30 should be brilliant.
I also reckon love is pretty good. In fact, I think it’s fabulous. Always good. Except that often people forget to call jealousy and self-victimisation by the right words, and try to convince everyone that they’re the same as love.
yay! happy birthday! when is it?
I think 30 will be good. I’m 28 now. And if you look that young now you probably always will. I still get carded (which i love).
Speaking of love. I’ve definitely had a couple guys say “i love you” or worse “but i love you” as a means to play victim or not apologize. Too sad. Just makes me cold towards them, really.
Honestly life has only gotten better with each year. The 20’s are a big development time, you’ll keep changing (and if you’re a boy, physically until you’re at about 24 heehee) but it’s all good.
Just try to surround yourself with good people. ok - that’s enough of me trying to sound mature. I still do cartwheels.
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