Howls
This weekend opened with a full moon and a dog that’s been howling outside for 2 and a half days. Sounds which perfectly accented the tone of unrelated events. Yelping and crying and howling in the near distance.
At first I pitied the inconsolable dog, thinking he/she was left alone. I laughed at it too, because it kept interjecting its voice between all the normal sounds of my apartment. Then I hated it: waking up to it, falling asleep to it. Strangest of all, last night as I lay in bed processing things, I felt jealous of that hound. If only I could let go and howl sometimes, even if it took days to get it all out.
I’m fine, but don’t feel much like talking. I have a lot to do. so here.... i understand. i know. i’m sorry. i can’t.
I have really enjoyed your “blog” over the past few weeks. I know what you mean about feeling jealous. It is hard to distinguish between what you really want (would howl for) and what is really right for you. The whole thing is complicated by what the others (targets of your effection) like. I purposefully choose not take a relationship farther with I girl I think I really trully love, just because I thought, then and now, that she could never be faithfull. I still regret the decision. A decision I know as the right decision. Moth to a flame I guess. Oh, well, good luck. Remeber, you are forever, this reality is temporary! God Bless and Semper Fi!
Semper fi, do or die.
I hope you won’t hold off forever, Kevin. People can surprise for the better. It’s hard to give oneself over completely to love in the face of fear or possible betrayal. To put oneself completely in another’s hands and allow them to make you the happiest or the most miserable you can be is, I think, where trust comes from. Sometimes people don’t live up to their potential (in life, in love) unless someone absolutely believes in them.
Safety doesn’t feel any better than fear.... I promise. They are both cages of one’s own making that you can move out of if you wish. You *will* make mistakes but all that matters is that you learn from them. It’s what makes you a complete person. Likewise those you love will make mistakes (or *you* may think they are) or seek another path that doesn’t involve you and you have to let it go. I honestly believe we all have several great loves in life if we’re lucky. Good luck man.
As someone who tends to look before she leaps [whole heartedly into relationships]. I can relate to the difficulty in deciding between what you want and what you really need from yourself and other people. The reality probably is simply understanding that you may never know and reconciling yourself to that riskiness.
true, true. Here’s to leaping :)
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