Wednesday, November 12, 2003
The Big To-Do
I have a to-do list a mile long which I began scribbling (and doing) last night, fleshed out with comments, questions and sub-lists. I think I need some kind of NORAD backlit plexiboard, a countdown, and a color coded status bar. At the least I need a big calender I can write on.
Ever find yourself hating circular tasks? Circular as in, you do them but they need doing again: laundry, dishes, making a bed. As opposed to linear where you work towards a goal with a beginning, end and finished product.
I need to collect my things from a safety deposit box, get quarters for laundry, and find a mouth guard for the scrimmage Saturday. Oh the good news is the exam isn’t until December 3rd. yay for small mercies.
The job hunt is still on, haven’t heard from the folks who liked me. What, they said they liked me and then never called?! oh the irony! Frustrating is the whole DC area vs NYC area thing. People keep asking me if I’m really moving. I always say yes. Don’t always believe it. But it’ll happen. A Mia in motion tends to stay in motion. It doesn’t feel real though. Most things have a sur-reality feel to them these days.
Tomorrow night is an old-style company paying for us all to go to Buffalo Billards and drink in celebration of launching our new splash page. I had nothing to do with the project but damn skippy I’m going. Should be a good time, even if my boss goes Machiavellian with the tequila like he did last time we were there. I kinda doubt he will though. But I’m going to party like it’s 1999, I know Dani and Dawn and most ppl are going. If it’s lame we’ll just go to my place.
I’m not really over my cold or whatever this is, went home early yesterday, still sound plagued. But dammit I don’t have time for this.
I’m shaking it boss, I’m shaking it.
LOL This is my horoscope:
“You may be worn out, dear Pisces, but you will have to push forward regardless. You are entering a long period of work and perseverance. This is definitely not the moment to be late or to balk. If you are still in your pajamas at noon, you should be ashamed! Do what you can to wake yourself from your recent daze. It’s time to get up and get moving!”
ooh i like this one better, found linked on Maria’s site, from Rob Brezny:
I also appreciate that the question What Do You Want More Than Anything? appears under the signs. :)
Another horoscope: “Back in the days when I could afford employees, one of them dreamed up a witty ad campaign for my expanded audio horoscopes. The headline was “Rob Brezsny’s astrological advice is like Viagra for the soul!” A week after the first ads appeared, I got a letter from the lawyers of the pharmaceutical company that manufactures the real Viagra. “Cease and desist using our trademarked brand name,” it said, “or we will sue your ass.” (I’m paraphrasing.) My campaign came to a dead stop, and I vowed never again to borrow a corporate fetish for my own marketing purposes. Carefully, then, I make the following announcement: What life brings you in the coming weeks will be like Viagra for your soul. “
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Scrape, The morning after
I love my master - so kind when I saw him before class, noticing I had lost weight, telling me he’d take it easy on me. A gentle “ok, ok” walking with his arm around my shoulder. Dramatically moving away and waving his arms when I started coughing because, along with everything else, he has a sense of humor.
I coughed so much, as soon as we started to skate (we jump and scissor our legs, and move left, right, front or back in fighting stance depending on what the master barks - it’s a warm up for response time) my head felt like it was going to explode. Yes it hurts. Doesn’t matter. Yes it hurts. Doesn’t matter.
100 crunches, 60 vertical leg lifts, no prob. Instead of 3 sets of 20 jackknives we did 2 sets of 30, surprisingly. I rocked them. 20 boy pushups, 10 girl pushups (telling myself, i’m lighter so this should be easier) but my goal is 60 boy. The partner stretches felt a bit difficult for the first time in a while. With my cheek and forehead pressed to my shin and the weight of my partner leaning on my back, I was so happy to exhale, extend and feel the stitching inside my legs wake up and lengthen. I did the deepest center splits ever, and the flattest center stretch - legs straight out, feet flexed, cheek pressed to the mat, back flat, partner pressing just barely.
Every little thing took much more effort though, fundamental movements, forms. Exhausted from doing just the first form, but we went through the entire exam procedure which was really beneficial.
This, this thing, being capable, always comes as a surprise to me. But it’s precisely why I love the class, this group. Trepidation evolves into a harnessed energy, laced together by encouragement of extraordinary people. I always dread it, then I love it. During class, it’s a labor, torture, sometimes I want it to end. The key is to completely do whatever you’re doing at the moment. It’s wonderful to hear “Anh jo, moong yum” (sit, meditate) from Master Davis as he gestures us down. Cold from sweating, exhausted, ready to fly if I’m told to, what I invariably feel during the closing meditation is a rush of gratitude towards the class, amazement that I’ve made it through, and a desire to continue.
I’m relieved to be a part of this, especially now when everything in my life seems to fit into the ‘difficult’ category. The trepidation in me just wants it to be over. I want to find another job, I want to know where I’ll be. I want to know where home will be. This is torture. I want it to end. I’m stretched, pushed and so tired. The only voice that barks commands is mine, and it’s hard to keep it louder than all the other voices. I try to remember to have fun, to focus on what I’m doing right now, to be inquisitive, to listen, and keep moving.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Scrape
I was getting errors all day anytime I tried to generate this bad boy, if anyone tried to post a comment they were denied as well. Finally I thought to run mt-check again and found that my host had changed where, basically, my stuff is on their server so MT was understandably confused.
In other news, I am still sick, have lost 7 pounds in like 4 days and found out today my Taekwon Do exam is this Saturday and also our scrimmage. I am not too proud to say I’m freaked out. The first test was possibly the most challenging thing I’ve done that combined brain and body. To have to do the next level when not at all in good condition has me concerned.
I’ll leave for class in a half hour. Dani isn’t going because she sprained her ankle sparring last week. We drop like flies.
eek. just scrape me off the floor when it’s over.
Friday, November 07, 2003
Medicinal Sugar Pill
mmmmmm
bourbon for medicinal purposes. yes. thank you, steveTheBartender for the suggestion. you were very kind. silly me drinking ginger ale. i wish i remembered what brand that was, because Makers straight, later on at another bar, just wasn’t the same. it started to burn too much. i’m just a little girl.
tonight my friend Alexis’ band Sugar Pill Buzz is playing in Arlington. Luna Park Grille
5866 Washington Blvd.
Arlington, VA
703.237.LUNA
She’s their rockin new bassist and we all knew that bass is an abbreviation for badass!
I have other plans with mike and maria but perhaps they can be convinced to modify, enhance, or otherwise change our plans. if not, i can see sugar pill another time soon. s’all good bebes.
I hope to see a mantinee of Matrix this weekend, as well as maybe something at Visions. Calvo is this the weekend Banana Fish Zero is playing? I’m all messed on on when the hell day it is.
My fabu aunt Tory is going to come and take as much of my beloved antique Great Aunt Lucy furniture as we can cram into her volvo. I am going to be planning yard sales, local ebay, intra-office network major furniture and personal possession sales.
I am hoping so much that I am better enough (i’m so bloody sick it’s killing me) to go to the kids freaking Taekwon Do class tomorrow to make up for the 3 sessions I missed. I’m going to be so screwed and weak. But I need to see Master Davis so he knows I’ve been sick. I think he knows, but he also needs to know I’m willing to break myself to make up for it. Coughing is not a complete workout.
Anyone need an enlarger for a darkroom, or a really nice comfy couch? :P Anyone looking to flesh out their space? I have the things to make a house a home. ugh. when did i become Better Homes and Garden? (it’s part of my psychosis :p)
anyone want some beautiful, healthy plants? triforlis, orchids, variegated ivy, african violets, lily, bromeliad? if flowers are the sex organs of plants, my orchids are old men sans viagra, they need a different environment. the rest i manage to keep in bloom (aside from the ivy of course) all the time.
anyhoo, cheers, i hope you all have a lovely weekend.
i’m not going anywhere tonight but to Rite Aid on my way home. i feel like i have mashed potatoes in my skull. Robitussin is making my heart pound. Maybe it’s just cuz i normally have a really chill pulse but I don’t like it.
One of my favorite words is Disremember. :]
something in my system is being funky and not letting me post. (experimenting to see if i can post this update)
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Url. Now. Thx.
i wonder if NPR is going to be hiring because of this
Jane magazine’s online presense sucks. I am really trying to find/remember the url of a new magazine they mentioned in their pet project area. It looks very very different and entertaining (unlike Jane itself, why do I still get it?! eesh but i love that they’re wacky even when they’re lame) There is even another person in the forum asking the same question. They want the url so they can subscribe.
I want the url so I can subscribe and share it with the women-folk.
Anyone got a December Jane handy? because i can’t wait 3 hours. :p
Three magazines purchased before my train ride home sunday night which I devoured in about an hour all told. I did have my laptop but didn’t have a seat.
I already subscribe to, either through gift, joke gift, or my own random whims:
Jane (sometimes they have cool clothes or are funny, but usually it’s boring and tries too hard)
Reason (great for the broad range of articles on politics, ideas, often a completely new pov)
Health possibly the most boring magazine i’ve ever read. a gift so i feel bad for saying that.
Fast Company occasionally an interesting article about worlds i’m not a part of
Inc. again, not a part of it, but hopefully one day...
I was given the book “inc yourself” while in high school and really should have kicked more ass by now. oh well ;)
Maxim a joke subscription, but at least the girls aren’t as skinny as the ones in women’s magazines.
Stuff see above, and also note that these are very scary and I give them away. I also harbor secret fears of the mail carrier’s opinion of me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Question
I’ve been so busy lately there’s a lot I haven’t given myself time to think about. Being very caught up in work, job hunting, fixating on the future, I’ve forgotten what now was supposed to be like.
This is the part where I planned to go out less, study more, do some personal projects, the most important being some serious introspection. I spilled my guts about getting laid off but never said a word when, a week later, I broke off a two year relationship. I never talked about how hard it was, how I felt I had to, how I felt sorry for it all but, it was for myself. Didn’t mention that if I didn’t we’d eventually get engaged, have kids, etc. Once upon a time, I wanted to have four kids with him.
I’ve become so good at relationships they tend to work even when they probably shouldn’t. I had become a serial monogomist. And that was a reaction against the way I once was like. I would ‘love’ you, but I wouldn’t care, or more likely, couldn’t. And god help you if i did think i loved you. I think i’ve believed i’ve been in love a million times, and after each time, realized I was clearly wrong. So what makes me think so? I didn’t have to be a psyc major for most of college (and abandon it) to understand where all that came from. I’m text book. It sucks to be text book. And I never really had it that bad.
So, though I’m not doing a superb job of it, my goal is to be on my own for a while. A good while. And no better time than during a probable move of cities, jobs, and very hopefully, perspective.
I am not naive enough to believe that a change of venue means anything but a change of address. What matters is that which you (i) change inside. This weekend I was with a close person who’s back in therapy and I think it really helps them. Without going into details I will say that they said they were asked something by their therapist that no one had ever asked them.
It seemed like an obvious enough question, I have thought it. But I never posed it to them. I thought I knew the answer. I was wrong. I felt terrible, that I had let this person down. Why couldn’t I be the one to ask it?
I have never really gone to therapy. I mean, I went when I was a tiny kid - maybe 6 - when my parents were getting a divorce. I didn’t know what I felt. I never spoke to people, I was too shy. It was only years later that feeling of grief and confusion slipped out. An obession with knowing what the future holds that stemmed from a series of upheavals. That’s part of why getting laid off hit me so hard. And ending a relationship. I have no idea what my life is going to be, in even one month from now. Part of the way I deal with that discomfort is to put myself in that situation, when things get ‘comfortable’. The same pattern you could lay over almost every motive and response inside me.
I went to therapy again - couples therapy.... divorce therapy - i already knew i was leaving. I only wanted him to understand why, and to describe it in the safe presence of a witness. I am not sure he did. The good part is that he stayed in therapy, where someone could ask him all the questions I never thought of.
I was strongly encouraged by many to go to therapy after my divorce - over three years ago. I never went. I have seen how it’s helped people and still, I’ve never gone. I am seeking peace, to heal wounds, to learn without hurting people in the process. I hide so much, seek to control myself so much that it always comes as a big shock when I snap, when I’ve had enough.
I don’t know what question I need to be asked, but there’s got to be one that I probably won’t be able to form on my own. I really don’t know crap. I’m just trying. Like everyone is. And I see the terrible and silly irony of putting this all into a blog. Some friends or family who know I have this are appalled. But usually, no offense, I don’t tell you anything. Other bloggers know this already. And perhaps that’s just another bit of self defense. But it’s also my feeling that it’s incredibly pathetic to read someone lamenting “oh me oh poor me”, what the fuck ever. Everyone has issues. I keep this blog to make myself write every day. and it’s just noise. i know. hopefully one day I’ll write something that’s not just noise.
but for now, this song is a really good projection of what would come out if I had the right words. yes there are no words in this song, but it says a lot.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
"Don't Leave False Illusions Behind"
I have a full on raging cold. I spent the night guzzling special therapeutic herbal tea with honey, and watching back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on dvd via Netflix. This is too much info but I am thinking about doing that teapot thing where you get pour a salty brew literally into one side of your nose and out the other with a special ceramic pot. But that seems shocking and painful - worse than getting thrashed in an undertow. Anyone ever done it?
I think I might work on a little project when I get home. I have been having ideas of creating a soundtrack to my office and making copies for everyone when I leave. The songs in my head cover the full gamut of my 4plus years here. The optimism and hedonism of 1999, the dotBomb, happy hours, drama and intrigue, the songs that Dawn or Jeremy would blast over and over again, the music I listened to at 9:30 on a Friday night, AIMed to me by Derek as we worked with burning hatred on NGM. Personal songs about love, despair, happiness, frustration, rage, contentment, and moving on. Funny songs that are so Geographic or Society, or songs that would get stuck in all our heads because they shared a title of a project (Eye in the Sky).
Some of the songs might seem a bit too personal, some a bit too aggressive, but they’re completely honest and relevant. And um, fuck it, I’m going to be gone. :) If I make enough time, I can do CD art, pull quotes, or hopefully, full lyric sheets. Perhaps even a little interactive design a la the early Sarah McLaughlin cd’s that took advantage of cd drives in computers.
So we’ll see how motivated I am once I get home. I’ve got big plans, and low energy, perhaps one will lend to the other.
000: hey
111: hi
000: wanna feel old?
111: ugh
111: no
111: :P
111: sure
000: Ralph Machio’s birthday is today
111: yeah
111: and how old is he?
000: 42
111: oooh my fucking god
Monday, November 03, 2003
Tell Me Why You Think You'd Be A Good Rock Star
Nothing like rapidly developing a cold to let you know you’ve been doing too much. Not helpful was last night: the overbooked train chilled to a meatbox 50 degrees with the vents blowing on my head as I stood in the aisle from New York to Philly.
Wednesday night I went straight from the train station to meet my brother at Glass and given that the place doesn’t have a sign, or an address posted, I Tony-darred* him and found him quite drunk and in a lovey mood. My judgement told me to not be puffy for the interview but I found myself having a couple and dancing just a little.... all good.
*Tony-darred: similar to gay-dar (which wasn’t working this weekend) i have a friend-dar, a knack for finding people I’m emotionally close to in vast crowds or strange places. spoooooky celtic stuff or random chance? whatever.
At the onset of love professing on his part, I dragged us home but we went out again, had a half bottle of wine and the type of dinner you might have if you were about to be executed. On our way out we saw flames pouring out of a building for a movie being filmed. I only slept about 3 of the available 6 hours for me to rest before the interview. My mind was going. I had done a lot of prep and was mentally searching for holes and trying to fill them.
The interview went well. I was scheduled to talk to two people and ended up speaking with four, from 10 am until 1pm. From what I understand, they like me. The last one, their CTO said, “if you got to me, that’s a pretty good sign”. They moved offices - packed friday and set up yesterday - so hopefully I’ll hear from them soon.
When it was over I was completely buzzing. Tony took me to lunch but I could barely eat. I was exhausted but wound up. I checked into the Gershwin Hotel, which is a pretty curious place.
Tony was sick so he lay a bit low. We had a really nice brunch friday morning at the T Salon and Emporium. I was a rock star friday night until stupid o’clock in the morning. Such good costumes and much fun. Saturday I was clever* enough to go out without my driver’s license and miraculously got into two bars after talking to the bouncers.
*clever: by clever i hope you know i meant i was an ass. as in “i’m naturally blond, please speak slowly” sarcasm is hard to do in writing and i prolly sounded like a jerk there.
Yesterday morning we had breakfast on the wrong side of a barrier for the NYC Marathon and being the buddahs that we are, ended up cheering them on for over an hour, until we were hoarse from yelling. Then behind me I noticed a really cute little shop for those hipsters who have babies. In the window they had a little mannequin in a pink tutu and a tiny black Misfits tshirt. Before I knew what I was doing I had purchased the little shirt. I’ll either give it to Zoey or to whichever of my Misfits loving friends has a baby first. Walking around Brooklyn, I’ve never seen so many hipster couples with babies and bulldogs in my whole life.
Tony was kinda WTF about it. No, I don’t want to explore why I just bought a baby t-shirt. well… FUCK… *laughs nervously* .... gimme a break. It’s the misfits. and it’s all tiny. Come ON it’s cute! People have babies and I’ll give it to whoever does first.
My brother is a thinker, a talker. Contemplative .... “adults are just children without adult supervision” was something he said casually yesterday, in context of a later conversation. So spontaniously spending $30 on something I have no use for (gift! gift is a use) or perhaps having deeper meaning, generally brings on questioning. But then he apologized. He can be really intense. He knows this. He’s also intensely silly so it all works out.
anyway…
If this all worked out, I think I’d want to live in Manhattan first. Any recommendations or advice?
