Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Life as a Dada Concept
Happy Tuesday. I just realized it’s Tuesday. I had a dream I was late to work and realized that I don’t have work. my goodness. Diggin this whole vacation thing… stayed up to watch InuYasha and I’ve convinced (not that they don’t like it) the parents to go see LOTR III this morning. Later I’m helping my mom make a lamb roast (MINT JELLY MINT JELLY) and my step dada concept will have a peanut butter and jelly cuz that’s how he rolls.
Generally, I’m in slo mo. Lots of time to plan my day and a half back in DC. I can envision the cuboards that are as of yet unpacked. I’m really going to miss my TV for a while. ToneBone’s roomate had his follow up interview yesterday and let’s all hope Stu gets the job and moves to Rhode Island and I can take over his part of the lease for a while. If not, it’s just that much sooner that I find my “own” place. I would love to have an awesome roomate and pay half a rent, but there’s only about two people in the world (girl a, girl b) I could stand to live with, and they live with boys. Way to like, fall in love and stuff, ladies ;].
Now, I’ve sworn to never live with a guy again until I was mental enough to get married again but that whole dual (heheh i almost wrote DUEL lol) income lifestyle is looking mighty nice. Can I live with a person and still have quality of life? Can I resist the urge to throw a pot, well aimed, through 3 rooms when a roomate is dumb enough to come whine to me while i’m in the kitchen? *sigh* Better to live alone than with someone who sucks, right? Perhaps I will find an awesome girl or boy I can live with and be friends or casual aquaintances.
I think I’m starting to enjoy life more when it’s full of a lot of unknowns. It feels like a reminder, it feels like gambling. It feels like trust. I am starting to become most calm when things get crazy. A hum inside with the outside quiet. It’s good. It feels good.
Eek, I have to go shower. love and bunnies. OOH! I got a new camera yesterday!!!! Joyous!
I dug this up because seeing all that Elf hair in Lord of the Rings made me miss the hair I used to have. This is about 4 or 5 entire lives ago. So long it goes out of the frame. Nuts, I tell you. Nuts. I don’t even think this looks like me. Who is this girl?
Oh. Well what I really meant to write about here is Sam. Sam is my favorite character. He’s not a beautiful one. He doesn’t do sexy battle scenes. He is taken for granted, mocked and rejected. He’s a reliable and true friend who looks out for his best buddy. I love Sam. Watching this movie, I thought to myself, if only everyone were lucky enough to have a Sam. That’s my Christmas and New Years wish for all of us. Constant and faithful friends.
looking for some of Brendan Hall’s beautiful code, I found this.
Friday, December 19, 2003
Nap Time
I’ve been in Naples, FL for about 2.5 hours now. The weather is cooler (cold-ish) than normal but the intensity of light is exactly what I remember.
Ah to be at the ‘rents house. Lunch, tea, cookies, the news on constantly in the background. I told them I’ve been on a generally unhealthy schedule of not sleeping, eating or exercising properly and am counting on them to take care of me. They’re gym happy. They’re healthy. They sleep. This will be good.
And I’m already deeply regretting not bringing my router, airport and laptop with me. I was just too tired to think straight and pull apart my equipment at 6am this morning. And I didn’t want the idiot security guards messing with anything.
I’ve only gotten about 7 hours of sleep in the past 2 nights. Packing, taking things places. And then my sink started overflowing, as did my neighbors. So there was a little party in our apartments, around 2 am, snaking sinks. So. Painfully. Tired.
This morning I realized the most common way I see dawn is to catch flights. I love crossing the Memorial Bridge, it’s the largest chunk of sky I’ve seen in months. I think airports get more and more rediculous, though I can understand the ‘why’ of everything. Standing in line, taking off my bionical boot, and my regular boot. The first time I’ve not been called aside for special searching in the past 2 trips. My seat was among 3 young children, the one in my row mentally & physically challenged. Her young mother told me she had sedated her and was hoping it would kick in. Within 20 mintues I heard her say, “I should have given her 2 milligrams.” And the child laughed and cried and moaned during the whole flight. I curled one leg up in the chair and slept with my hood and scarf. I am worried I’ll be a bad mother because I can sleep through the crying. I woke only when she started kicking the seat, and reaching out, from the pain as the aircraft descended. Poor little girl. And soon there was a chorus of babies, screaming from the pressure in their soft little eustrachian tubes, and I knew we would land soon.
Time to sleep. And hopefully dream.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
w00t
These days are flying. I’m busy but not stressed. I’ve been good since getting freed up to prepare for this move. I find peace in orchestrating and hammering out logistics.
My big decision this morning is whether to take a shit hot sublet up in NoHo rather than stay at the homes of my brother and friends for 2-3 weeks. I’m leaning towards the latter simply for proximity issues, it’s more fun to be with friends, and cost savings ...$800 to be exact. I kinda need my money. It’d be great to meet the artists that live there and it would be posh. It’s a 2 story 6 bedroom apt. I can only envision the Real World
Ah. I meant to do this ages ago, and Matt’s been asking. Here are photos from Halloween. Happy Chanukah everybody, Merry Christmas. By the way, I am a huge dork in these pics, just so you know that i know. and i’ve lost like 8 pounds since then on my diet of tea, fried chicken, cheese, grapes and generally not sitting down for days on end. Doesn’t make too much sense to me.
Here is my favorite picture from the night.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
The Bandaid Is Finally Off
Well Hello there,
I’m sitting in my bed with my computer in my lap, rather than my (old) cube. The elephant still hangs there. I’m so glad that today is here, because yesterday was really pretty hard.
There was a lot to make me feel good, happy, loved. Zain and Maureen gave me longstem pink roses, Jeremy gave me a cd, Otto had all of NGkids sign a card together with a Borders gift certificate. He couldn’t deliver it himself and I’m grateful because all day we emailed normally. “here’s your meta data… ok, try this .swf” same as usual. Everyone had looks and hugs and words to give.
In the cafeteria, Quasi, my west african elder friend, bought me my sandwich. Little things. All day long. And then there were the big things.
My VP Scott had to take my id badge from me. I had to take a form from HR, which I’d had to take to 4 different offices to confirm I didn’t have company credit cards, books, etc. So when I found him near my cube, I told him what he had to do. He said, “come find me when you’re ready.” Eventually I walked to his office with this form in my hand where he played with his pen for a while. This is papa bear, this is clan leader.... if I were to call up images of what he’s like. He was one of the makers of the original Atari games and one of the biggest supporters helping with my resume. He wrote on it in pencil, “you are one of the most naturally enthusiastic and optimistic persons i’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. you need to find a way to reflect that here.” and I’ve carried it in my backpack for the past 3 months.
Scott’s eyes welled up when I unclipped my badge from my belt and slid it over to him. I couldn’t speak or I’d completely break down. He signed where he was supposed to. And then I signed where I was supposed to. I felt my legs walking me backwards out of his office but my hand gripped the doorjam while I looked at him, I wanted to say so many things. He rose to follow me and I stopped. I smiled blind with tears and Scott spoke through his clenched teeth, “Sometimes I really hate my job”. His eyes were full and red. I felt my breathe finally release and I ran the two doors down to Linda’s dark empty office and pulled the door closed behind me. I cried with my hands over my face until I was just gazing out her window at the 17th street building and the courtyard. Even without her in it, Linda’s office is the calm in the storm. She never locks it. I love Linda. Thank God she is not here today.
I was incredibly raw and rough by the time people were clammering to go to our happy hour. Dawn was desperate to get out of the building but I couldn’t leave without meticulously sifting through my files and deleting the last of the personal ones. I had more in my cube to take apart. I sat and looked at the elephant and realized how long ago it was I made her. Everyone wants her to stay, so she’ll stay.
The whole thing was like a slow bandaid, hair by hair, wincing with each person who told me they were sad, that it sucked, that they wanted to come to nyc with me. Scott and I cried again when we hugged goodbye. Shit, I just noticed I got tears on my laptop. I think that’s what I just smelled, the salt burning a little. ugh this is so silly. with what do you clean an aluminum laptop?
Well last night was good, very nice. We had fun like always. It’s good in a way that Dawn and I have each other going through the same thing because of being able to share it. We know we’re ok, we’re great. The hard part is just the people. I don’t think ever in history people moved and left each other so much as we do now in this age. And it just doesn’t feel natural or right to me. I’m so tired of losing my family and not being able to do a thing about it.
I’m so excited for NYC. I just want to get there. I am geared up for this new thing I worked for and won. It’s going to be great. The one thing I know for sure, from the other friends who’ve left and stayed dear friends, is that life after the society is marvelous.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Ready to Go Live
I wasn’t going to post today. It’s very busy here, funny that I actually do have work I’m trying to finish, documentation to write so they don’t break stuff, an exit interview, a happy hour tonight with my core crew and certainly, certainly not getting misty. not.getting.misty. My dearest production mgr is out this week, and I missed her leaving on Friday so we never had a goodbye. Goodbyes suck.
So I made a “soundtrack” mix cd for my office, 1999-2003, with cover art, a prelude, the archetypal ascent, peak and descent of classic drama (nothing says classic drama like this place) and because the last song would have been a sweet downer, I finished with Take It Off. Kinda my version of balopboppalooba balopbamboom. The type has a QA correction made in red ink, because i think it’s funny. I almost included a lyric sheet with pull quotes (our senior editor *hearts* pull quotes) but I figured I’d already gone a little eee-rrr eee-rrr
So.
yeah.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Light
I think that I am probably the luckiest girl in the world. Things are just happening for me. It’s all working out. Problems unfolding like silky ribbons. Life is grand. I feel light.
There's Work to Do
Growing up with an interest in anthropology, history and religion I became acutely aware of how much where and what you are born to affects identity. For example, I am Irish Catholic, born in the United States. If I were born elsewhere my religion, my education, my family, my freedoms would be different. Everyone is born into a context and, I believe, should take themselves out of context.
It’s important to recognize because I believe something only has real value, rather, value can only be recognized, when it is the result of choice. When one value is chosen over another. To evaluate and embrace beliefs instead of passively muttering poems. To stretch freedom, rights, and to test them rather than acting like it’s gauche to make waves. To look critically at the world and see where you can effect it for the better. To make noise and show ugly pictures and aim for progress.
Attitudes, opportunities, religion, education and quality of life are tangible results of something as retroactively incontrollable as a the place you were born and the people you were born to. It flies in the face of self-determination and free will. Even these words are luxurious cultural concepts that don’t exist everywhere.
We owe it to ourselves and to each child born into this world (note: i’m very much for birth control and secular sex education) to figure out how to feed them before their tender brains decay, and to teach them to think and reach their potential, here and everywhere. It’s no accident that humans are the least finished creatures at birth. We become more complete humans when we help other humans become more complete.
Every last thing we are is learned, limited only by what we are exposed to and the opportunities we are given.
UNICEF report 65 million girls kept from school
NG News, Afghan Girls’ Fund update
NG News, honor killings
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Beech, You Kahn Keep Your Chezz
I watched a really sweet and funny movie last night called Castle with a really sweet and funny boy.
It’d be great if writing could capture the art of first person story telling because he had me rolling telling me about his vegetarian German friend trying to buy cheese from the deli at the Soviet Safeway (for those non locals: the shelves are bare and the lines are long, har har har).
“Eez your blade kleene?” trys to look like a sweet 26 yr old blond woman
“Of COURSE it’s clean” snaps neck big DC woman style
“Boot zare es meat on eet..”
and it culminates with
“Beech! You kahn keep your chezz!” (German woman walks off)
deli lady asks “where’d they go?”
next woman in line says “She *said* you can keep your *cheese*. *And* you’re a *bitch*.”
So a guy doing the voices of three very different women is funny. It’s kinda less funny when I dash out of his house after the movie to go home because I’m genuinely tired without giving him much of an explanation. Ugh. I tell him almost nothing. I borderline between laying a bunch of stuff out there and staying pretty much closed. I guess it’s really just what it is. My head and heart are just really full at the time being. Don’t take your finger out of the damn, Mi. I’m just waiting to move on to new hunting grounds. Allowing myself to feel more than an appreciation his good qualities is just not the way I’m wired at the moment. But I hate how cold that feels. At the very least it feels rude. ugh i’m not making any sense. It’s alright. He’s probably going to tell me to keep my cheese.
I am such a silly girl. I was going keep more stuff than I should. Talking about trucks and maybe movers and definitely short term storage and moving it again after living with Tony a while. All to keep furniture that’s I could repurchase for less money. DUH!!!
sell it, let Salvation Army get what’s still around, rent a big pimp daddy car, fill it with 2 of my 4 computers, clothes, some books and remaining household stuff (UPS some of it) and drive to NYC in comfy bliss, ready to couch surf for a couple weeks. (found out yesterday my brother’s current roomate isn’t gonna be gone til maybe mid Jan so I can’t really settle in yet heh)
ahhh sweet sweet relief!!!
JenniCam to go dark December 31. She used to work here as a contractor but they didn’t like the cameras on in the programmer cave. A producer just sent me this link. I think she had a brilliant idea, not that I’d do it..... my mom would find it.
